Going to the beach for the first time

I live by the Mediterranean Sea, yet I didn’t go to the beach for at least 10 years. It sounds incredible, right? Sadly it is true. First, I used to have enormous boobs (before my breast reduction surgery – would you like to hear this story as well? Let me know), so finding a swimsuit was almost mission impossible and I gave up trying anyway. It was a pretty depressing time of my life. Also, my weight kept crawling up, so it was not only about the top of the swimsuit, I didn’t feel like going to the beach so that everybody wouldn’t be staring at me. You know what I mean. The STARE…

First I got rid of the boobs, it was 7 years ago, and 2,5 years ago I had the sleeve. And then I lost to normal weight. So seemingly all my problems were solved and I could go anywhere and wear anything. I wish it was this easy. Try to convince your brain that things are now completely different and that people really don’t care about your saggy tummy and thighs.

It happened. It was great losing 40 kilos/some 90 pounds, but real life is nothing like a weight loss clinic ad where they keep showing you a heavily overweight person and in the after pic they have a completely flat and toned tummy. No, it is for sure not like this at all. Losing that much amount of weight leaves marks on your body. And there is very little you can do about it. I am not complaining, come on, I am more than happy about the loss. I am just saying that adds lie about this and you have to be prepared for the real consequences.

So when a friend of mine came up with this amazing idea that we should go to the beach, I was looking forward to it a lot, I already had my current size swimsuit, which I wear to the terrace to sunbathe, but I never wore it outside. It felt like not such a big deal. Only at the beginning, when I was imagining myself on the beach.

Things turned a little bleak when I put on my new bikini and saw myself with a very critical eye in the whole body mirror. Uiii! I can’t say I would have a lot of extra skin, it is not like that, I guess I was lucky and my body behaved incredibly well after what I did. But still, we are bombarded by the perfect bodies from every magazine, ad, and TV, they are everywhere. And then you see yourself with your funny tummy and giggly things. And what do you start to do? Yes! You start to compare yourself with them. 

And that is exactly what you mustn’t do. Under any circumstances. Never ever. Don’t do that! Nobody is perfect, even the highest-paid models hate something about their bodies. I am sure they do. And I am most likely not wrong at all. So comparing yourself to the magazine pics is a highway to hell. You will lose every time. The thing is, the magazines are not real Instagram either. It is all heavily photoshopped. Cut here, add other, make them fuller lips, better hair, thinner waist, the list goes on. Very few people publish their real pics. Keep this in mind. 

Easier said than done, though. You hated yourself for so many years that it will take a lot of time to change the narrative in your head. Not a year, most likely not even two will be enough to repair the broken disc that keeps telling you how insufficient and useless you are. 

It is important to bear in mind that we are in the process of complete reconstruction, we are not only re-doing our bodies, we are re-doing everything about ourselves, our lives, our approach, and our attitude toward many things, and it takes time and a lot of effort. It may seem easy, they say, you took the easy way out, you had surgery and it sorted out everything. This is a very stupid misconception that people from the outside believe and belittle the huge effort bari patients have to live with daily. 

What worked for me was that if I was comparing myself with somebody, it was only my past me. Did things get better? Definitely! Do I look better now! You bet! Am I healthier? Woohoo! Did I sort out my food problem? Almost. And am I sticking to the plan? 99% of the days! It is all too good to throw it away and keep beating myself bloody for slipping sometimes or not having the perfect body like in the internet ad. I am a real person with real problems and real changes that am undergoing. I am not perfect or photoshopped. I am the way I am. 

And you know what? If you don’t like it, don’t look at me. There will be sure some teenage girls with perfect bodies, so check them, and not me. And what is also very important, is everybody has his own problems and priorities, they don’t care about you a little bit. For each of the people they are the most important, they don’t care about you. It is really like that. Haha, they are trying to hide their big butt themselves 😀

So after a contemplative afternoon, I went to the beach. How did it go? Just fine! I was wearing my bikini, I had my sun cream (protect the scars really well, you won’t want to sunburn them), and I even had a scoop of sugar-free ice cream! It tasted so good 👍 I swam a little in the sea, I was picking up shells, and I had a good time with my friends. No disaster happened there.

It takes a lot of courage to do something like this after such a long time. It was definitely stepping out of my comfort zone. It seems like no big deal, but it was important for me. This was definitely something I wouldn’t think of, let alone do, two years ago. And to my surprise, it was ok, it felt good and nobody had any stupid comments about my body. 

Since that time I have gone to the beach quite often. I am not scared or ashamed anymore. There are so many different people, locals and tourists, slim and not so slim, black and white, tall and short… and they are all having fun and enjoying the nice sunny afternoon. Maybe I used to be so scared about going there and it was only in my head, maybe I was only making up all those horror scenarios, maybe I was suffering somuch only in my head and it all wasn’t real. I don’t know.  

What I know now is that no matter where you are in this process, no matter how much you weigh, or what size you are wearing, it is irrelevant anyway. I think people changed a bit and they are not so incredibly judgmental as they used to be. Or maybe I am only trying to rationalize it to be able to process it better. Who knows? But still, why would I be buried at home and not go put, just because I am hyper-vigilant about what somebody might say about me. Is that person somehow important or relevant to you? I doubt it.

Everybody will have some opinion. What is the most important? What do you think about yourself? You know yourself. You know where you are in this weight game. It is much more important to acknowledge a problem and start doing something about it. No, it may not be perfect now, but if you admit you have a problem and you are willing to do something about it, you halfway won already. 

Go to the beach, have fun. If you think it is important for you, to wear a tankini, keep a shirt on, and have a beach dress, no need to go completely out of your comfort zone. Start bit by bit. You will get further and where you want to get. It may not happen overnight (but you didn’t gain all the weight overnight either), but eventually you will get there. The beach is fun, you will like it. And, no, they really don’t care about you, so with peace in your mind, go there and enjoy.