Time before bariatric surgery as stages of grief

The more I have been thinking about my bariatric surgery, the more I am getting to the point that it is altogether very much the same as stages of grief. I am 2,5 years after the surgery, so I think I can say I have passed through all the process and I am quite stable now with the weight, so I can evaluate the whole process from the very beginning to the end. 

 

I am healthy now, and that is exactly what I wanted. Yes, the small clothes are a nice perk in the package. I won’t complain about that. But the thing is that I did that all because of the health issues I was already having and I desperately wanted that all to disappear. 

 

1. Denial

Do you remember the very beginning? The time even before you started to contemplate the possibility of having the surgery. A lot of people will tell you: I knew I was big. But THIS big??? We all kinda knew that our weight was not the best one, that losing something would be nice. But none of us saw ourselves as morbidly obese. There are people much heavier than me. That is the most common excuse you will hear. 

 

You don’t want to see the severity of the reality. You are still thinking that things are under control that you still can manage somehow and that things are in your hands. Until something happens, the very last straw you need to open your eyes and you finally get it. Things are much worse than you thought and it is improbable that you can lose the weight on your own. 

2. Anger

I remember the fit of anger I felt when my doctor told me that I would lose the weight or things would get very bad pretty soon for me. How did he dare??? What did he think??? Somebody was too smart, eh? I was sitting on the hospital bed and literally fuming. If it were a cartoon, you would see the steam coming out of my ears. That bad it was.

 

When I got home from the hospital, this fuming turned into anger. I wasn’t that much angry at the doctor anymore, I had to swallow my ego and pride and admit he was right. Yes, I was heavily overweight and I was having all those health problems exactly because of that. And I was only 42 years old. I wanted to live much more and enjoy the time. Not being sick and barely mobile because of my weight. 

 

I got angry with myself. How could I let things get this far? Why didn’t I see that? I was looking into the mirror every day. It was all in front of my eyes, yet I prefer not to focus on the obvious. I was to blame, no one else. Silly me. Now what?

3. Bargaining

Come on, things are bad, but not catastrophic, I can do that. I will push really hard and I will get rid of the stupid weight. I will do that. I don’t want to have any crazy surgery. That is the last thing, let them cut into me! No no no! I will do it on my terms and I will be successful this time. 

 

Do you hear yourself? It is the time when you still have at least a bit of hope that you will be able to make it all by yourself and that the surgery won’t be necessary. You try a million diets again and again, and you still hope for a miracle. 

 

The thing is that if it all didn’t work till now, and you know better than anyone else how much you have tried, why it should work now? You have a knife pressed on your throat, you are desperate and you do want, but you can’t. Things don’t work and they are way more difficult than you could ever thought. 

4. Depression

It dawns on you. You failed. How many times again? Can you even count that? It all makes you feel like the worst creature in the world, you feel defeated, worthless, and in deep despair. You are hopeless. You know that things are lost and that you are not able to do it by yourself. 

 

You still don’t want to admit it fully. There is still a tiny hope that is whispering that maybe… but as days and weeks go by, it is clear that you can’t do that. No matter how many times you tell yourself that you will do better, that you will eat right, that you will do the exercise, that… but you never do. 

 

You feel completely lost, you know that you are doomed. The last thing that is waiting for you to help you is the surgery. You don’t want to do that, but you understand that you simply must do that if you want to live and recover your health. You are scared, angry, lost, and you feel completely alone. 

5. Acceptance

There is no other way. You will have to do that. The surgery is the only way to go. You have no idea what to expect from that, it is new, and you can only hope it will all work for you. This thing is a whole new story for you, so you are trying to figure out as much information as you can. You start the appointments with different doctors and you are leaving every time with more questions than actually having the things clearer.

 

But you know that you must do that. You are unable to do it all on your own. You tried over and over again, the recent attempt was a while ago, and it was the same disaster as always. You got it. You will need help with this. And a lot of help. You hope things will work for you and that you will soon be able to see the difference.

https://bariradka.com/en/2024/09/30/hope-is-all-you-have/

Goodbye feast

Does this seem familiar to you? If you already had the surgery, you can only agree; if not, you are likely in one of those stages described before. I remembered this because saw somewhere that people keep doing the “good-bye-meal”. The very last feast. They overeat on things they love and they know they won’t be able to eat after the surgery. It does not much sense, but maybe it is a symbolic closure of the old life. 

 

They are grieving that their old life is ending and they even might know the date of the beginning of their new life, the surgery date. And I bet they will remember that date for the rest of their lives. That important it is for them. So it doesn’t matter if you lost a loved one, your beloved pet, or your previous life. You are grieving. Things will never be like before. And you will have to learn to live with the loss.

The new life is hard

It sounds a little harsh, right? But to many people losing the possibility of eating anything, any time and in any quantity, is a huge loss. They can easily tell you that it is the same as losing someone they love. That strong their love for food is.

 

So let’s respect that. The new life is a whole new challenge. You will have to learn to live without something that you used to love, yet it will still be within your reach. Yes, food is everywhere and all the time. You won’t escape. But you mustn’t reach for it. That is the hardest challenge in this story. 

 

Having the surgery is the easy part. Anyone can do that. You are the patient at this point. You let them do that. When you are recovering, things can be pretty hard at times. But you are turning into a hero of the story. You think that this is the hardest part. But to tell the truth, the hardest is after you lose all the excess weight. 

 

The whole bari team will tell you that you are fine, that you are healthy, and wish you good luck. You are left all alone. And it is exactly this point when you get it. It is all up to you. How your story will continue? Who knows? But it all depends on you. It is you who creates the future. Your decisions, your results. Remember that 🙂